10 Valuable Tips for Your Beginning

Look Up by Wendy Appel

What appeared as two inverted “v” silhouettes emerging in the foreground, turned out to be a furry-eared donkey.

As my friend Mar and I enjoyed an early evening hike, by chance I looked up just in time to catch him surface from behind the hill. There was Mr. Donkey set against the backdrop of the limestone mountains, lit up by the setting sun.

This was a precious moment I would have missed, had I not looked up in time. I delight in the unexpected and life is full of them … if we are open, awake and present.

How much of life passes us by when we forget to look up, and glance around instead of just focusing on what’s ahead?

These last several years, I have engaged in the joyful practice of relishing the moment. Instead of judging what is, wanting it to be different/people to be different, I have been graced with arriving at a place in my life where (when I am at my Wendy best), I accept and appreciate ‘what is.’

‘What is’ for me today?  An ending that is simultaneously opening to a new beginning. Once again, I prepare to say good-bye and step into the unknown. On my last few walks through the village, I  smile at  a fisherman untangling his nets, knowing he will soon be a relic of the past, pause to caress the donkey’s face, smile inwardly as I glance around at the people I have come to know and love because of all of who they are …

There are so many sights and sounds and I just want to inhale them all; to burn them into my mind’s eye so I can recall this place I have called

Photo credit to ladybugrock

home, at will. And yet, time is like grains of sand slipping through my fingers the tighter I try to hold on. These endings have become excruciatingly and exquisitely painful.

Since an early age, I’ve had a deeply felt sense for the temporal nature of life. The choices I have made along my journey have brought me face to face with a series of continual endings and beginnings, good-byes and hellos and the vast spaces in-between.

Some call me a nomad, but I didn’t set out to live that way. For those of you who have uprooted, you may have learned what I didn’t know until my roots were planted in new soil. Once you leave a place you cannot go back, at least not in the same way. You are different, people are different, the place has changed with time. That’s the nature of life–ever-changing.

What have I learned about beginnings and endings — about change? Here are 10 Valuable tips to help you ease your way into new beginnings. 

1. Beginnings come first. Have a vision for your life. Know what’s important to you; why you are making a change and what you’d like to be different as a result of your change in circumstance. Be clear. The end result is unlikely to match your vision exactly, but it may even be better. When you create with conscious intent, you have a much greater likelihood of materializing your vision
2. Beginnings  always require a leap of faith–nothing is certain
3. Ask for help–it will come
4. You don’t have to “make bad or wrong” your current circumstances in order to look forward to the next. Appreciate fully what you have; what was and what gifts this place, this person, this job provided
5. Don’t  rush through your ending  to relieve the pain of letting go. Closing things down, readying for the change, saying good-bye is important. This process aids in the acceptance of change
6. What loose ends do you need to tie up? Who or what do you need to make peace with? Do it. Don’t leave a trail of litter behind you because it will keep you from fully moving forward
7. Throw 100% of your commitment (energy, focus, intent … ) behind the change. If you’re ambivalent, you’ll have a hard time materializing your vision
8. New beginnings take time. You are a learner once again. Give yourself permission to feel awkward, to make mistakes, to feel incompetent in your new circumstances
9. It will take awhile to find your new rhythm. But you will
10. How do you want to be in this new beginning? Go forward with conscious intent. How do you want to show up — for yourself, others, in your new situation?  You can choose to start anew; to let go of habits that don’t serve you and create new ones that do.

How have I been changed by my current circumstances?

In this place, I have learned to look up, pause, linger, deeply listen, lighten my load, experience the vastness of my heart and to accept …

… and that roosters crow all day and night, that people are more lovable because of their imperfections, that slowing down opens the senses, that there are benefits to nosy neighbors, that living a life at scale is possible and desirable, and so much more. I hope to carry these treasures with me like a turtle carries it’s home.

This poem helped me (and no doubt, countless others) be courageous in the letting go into new beginnings. May it gift you with the same.

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
 Where your thoughts never

think to wander,
 This beginning has been quietly forming,
 Waiting

until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
 Feeling the emptiness

growing inside you,
 Noticing how you willed yourself on,


Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
, And the gray

promises that sameness whispered,
 Heard the waves of turmoil rise

and relent,
 Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
 And out you stepped

onto new ground,
 Your eyes young again with energy and dream,


A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
 You can trust the promise of

this opening;
 Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
 That is at

one with your life’s desire.

 Awaken your spirit to adventure;
 Hold nothing back, learn to find ease

in risk;
 Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
 For your soul senses

the world that awaits you.

~ John O’Donohue ~

I have neglected my blog of late because of my impending move and I imagine that settling into my new home will also be getting most of my attention. It will take me a little while to find my new rhythm, so please hang in there with me. I love to write and hope to have some good stuff to share coming soon!

In the meantime, what beginnings are taking form in you?

Add to my list: what have you learned about endings and beginnings? 

Giver Success Creates Value. Are You a Giver?

When the weekly Brain Pickings newsletter landed in my inbox, I clicked on their link that took me to an excellent summary of the book: Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success by Adam M. Grant, Ph.D. I have not yet read the book, however I found the review intriguing.

According to the review, the book breaks people out into three interaction or reciprocity styles (Givers, Takers and Matchers) and how each one leads to varying degrees of success. What grabbed my attention was this quote about givers:

… But there’s something distinctive that happens when givers succeed: it spreads and cascades …  Givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them. You’ll see that the difference lies in how giver success creates value, instead of just claiming it.

Givers are the type of people who use their own gifts and talents to “amplify the smarts and capabilities of others,” like Liz Wiseman’s Multipliers. In the workplace, givers share their ideas, knowledge, information, time and energy. They are neither doormats nor do they give for strategic purposes. I know many people for whom this is natural.

However, each one of us can be a giver. It’s a choice.

A little story. I met Sam (not his real name) less than a year ago by a chance encounter, and he is most definitely a giver who contributes to the lives of many, without strings. He shares his experience and hard-earned wisdom, generously. Through his mentoring, we have learned to expand our ability to see more broadly and with finer distinctions. He’s taught us a language to articulate what we see that provides clarity. As a result, we have become more skilled at our craft,  and our clients and relations are beneficiaries.

Sam brings out my best and my desire to pay it forward. Meeting Sam has changed the course of my life.

A Rainbow of Ripples. By Wendy Appel

We may never know the ripple effect our acts of generosity, kindness,  caring, listening, support, and sharing of ourselves–have on another.  When we give each other a hand up, it’s a win-win.

We feel good, we help someone else, others are happy for our success (according to the article, people tend to be happy for the success of givers), and it has a multiplying effect.

Can you remember that special adult who made a difference in your life? The teacher who believed in you and your talents? The boss who shared her earlier career mistakes so you would know you were not alone? The important stranger who said a kind word just when you most needed it?

The thing is, regardless of whether we are a giver, taker or matcher, what we say and do has a ripple-on effect.

What a profound responsibility that is.

With each action we take, each sentence we utter or write, each tweet, FB or G+ post, we make a difference to someone, somewhere.

Each of us has the possibility to forward and change the course of humanity for the better … We can leave a legacy that lives on in the hearts and minds of others, well beyond the death of our physical form.

Recently, I watched an interview of a physician on one of the major news networks in the US, who shared the story of her near death experience. While unconscious, she went through a life review and saw the ripple-on effect of her words and deeds. She was able to witness at least 35 layers beyond the person immediately affected.

What if that’s true? It begs the question, “what are the ripples you intend to spread, even if you never know how what you do, matters?”

Please join the conversation. Who has given generously and made a difference in your life? What was the effect on you and others?

(For a terrific article that delves into  the book, check out Kare Anderson’s review in Forbes)

Psycho-Cybernetics and Grandma Frieda

Grandma Frieda

Back in the day, my grandma touted the wonders of the book, Pycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D., F.I.C.S. (1960). It stuck in my mind but I never got around to reading it. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. I know it shaped the way my grandma thought and how she led her life.

Grandma taught me to “never say can’t,” to sing while I walk, the value of simple things in life, that nutrition as your medicine cabinet, imbued in me her love and appreciation for nature, and that as a woman, I could be successful in business–she was.

I can still hear her giggle and feel her tenderly holding my face in her hands.

Grandma Frieda was ahead of her time in so many ways and she had a profound influence on the woman I have become. She made me believe anything was possible. My eyes well up with tears of gratitude for the many gifts she gave me.

Today, I was reminded of Grandma and Cybernetics by this BBC article Why Your Brain Loves to Get Feedback and it prompted me to finally order the book. She reached from the beyond and tapped me on the shoulder, and this time I wasn’t going to let Psycho-Cybernetics pass me by.

My curiosity and I went exploring and here’s what we found.

Cybernetics is a network of constant interactions and communications. Norbert Wiener (1894–1964) coined the term in 1948 from the Greek word for steersman. The term describes feedback — communication and control in systems—where a system obtains information on its progress, assesses the feedback, corrects its course and receives further feedback on the success of the transmission.

Macy Conference: From the the American Society for Cybernetics

I followed up by doing a wee bit of research on the origins of Cybernetics (Macy Conferences). I sat in reverie and awe. Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, two giants in the field Anthropology (my post grad degree) were key players in these conferences and the founding of cross-disciplinary field of cybernetics.

I then went to the source and read the introduction to Psycho-Cybernetics on Amazon, where it seems that Maltz applies cybernetics  to human systems.  From what I could tell, Maltz made a case for uncovering and reshaping our beliefs that undergird self-perception.

To simplify, we can act into new habits and patterns, using feedback to adjust our new behaviors. This sent chills down my spine. He published this book in 1960 and likely was writing it the year of my birth. In 2012 I published my own book and the premise was the same. We are not doomed to repeat the same patterns, over and over.

The final paragraph in the BBC article stirred me:

Feedback loops, on the other hand, beginning with the senses but extending out across time and many individuals, allow us to self-construct, letting us travel to places we don’t have the instructions for beforehand, and letting us build on the history of our actions. In this way humanity pulls itself up by its own bootstraps.

It was a powerful reminder of  my commitment to be a mirror (feedback) for my clients for them to see they are much bigger than their self-definition, the roles they play and their stories; to help them deconstruct the beliefs that underlie their self-perception so they can step into their largess and intentionally create the life of their choosing.

We each have the power and possibility to re-craft our self-image, to become the full expression of who we are meant to be. Are you willing?

After I read Psycho-Cybernetics, I’ll write a follow-up post to share more about what I uncover.

I Choose Now

Springtime Awe

If you are a regular visitor to my blog, you know I commune with the natural world regularly for solace, inspiration, clarity, deeper contact with myself, to integrate experiences, to source meaning …

I meander and let my intuition do the walking. On a recent outing, I chose not to let my mind wander but to continue to bring it back to the here and now. What was before me was too spectacular, beautiful, inspiring to miss. More than that, I wanted now. I didn’t want to miss out on my life while I occupied my head.

Do you want to know a little secret? All we have is now.

We hardly experience here while wanting to be there. We are always on our way to something more, something better, someplace else.

Most of us are in the present-past or the present-future, but we rarely occupy the now. Why not?

How much of life do we miss while we ride the rails of our habituated patterns of thinking and feeling, over and over? How well do we know ourselves when we endlessly distract and stay stuck in these well worn feelings and thoughts?

These thoughts and feelings are not ours to have.

They simply are.

Seemingly from out of nowhere, I Choose Now became my mantra. Each time I found my mind wandering, I brought my attention back to what was right in front of me with the words, I Choose Now.

I let go of whatever thought or feeling tried to occupy me. With each repetition of the phrase I inhaled the beauty around me. I allowed the miracle that is our natural world to touch me. It was excruciating … and sublime.

This poem continues to inspire me as I journey through life. It’s meaning still unfolding.

No two are the same

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

~ David Wagoner ~

HERE

Rays of sunshine burst through clouds and sweep across citrus orchards and olive groves
Thousands of seagulls circle in tornado formation and squawk in revelry
Sunlight reflects off grey-green olive and blue-green carob trees leaves
Orbs of yellow and gold citrus framed against blue sky
Donkeys bay, roosters crow, lambs baaah, bird songs all echo across the valley
Ecstatic joy brings tears to my eyes – allow the joy. Don’t try to hold on, don’t shut it out.

Magic

And when you relax and accept here; when you stop beating up on yourself for not being someplace that you’re not, embrace where you are and keep your eye on where you’re going – that’s where the magic of life happens. That’s where “you happen” as you create yourself in every moment.

I choose now

 

A Case of Mistaken Identity

Family, community, and culture exert a significant influence on and help shape the expression of our personality and consequently our Enneagram Type.  The following is a personal account that sheds light on how this works.

After Stephan (not his real name) purchased my book and read it, he contacted me. I thought our exchange would be valuable for many of you. Travel with him as his story unfolds and you may see yourself in his tale, “A Case of Mistaken Identity.”

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Question from Stephan: How much of Type is “from birth” and how much might be survival adaptations from early childhood?  By the way, it is a great book and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

‘The Illusionist’ (1992) by David Templeton

Reply from Wendy: It’s both nature and nurture. Type is shaped by family, community, school, religion and culture. These influences can reinforce Type, stifle it, cause one to adapt to fit in or some combination thereof. The early childhood experiences I write about in each Type’s story, reflect how each Type experiences the world through their Type lens and filter.

Another Type could be exposed to the same treatment, events, etc., and have a different story to tell. This is why different children respond to the same family environment or caregivers in their own unique way. And this is why, we are not our stories and are much bigger than our stories.

At birth, each Type seems to emerge with a set of beliefs about the world. Now this is all theory, but it seems to fit with what I have experienced in my work, in my own personal life and reflects a lot of the literature.

I think we’ll learn more as our understanding of human nature evolves.

Reply from Stephan: When I first looked at the Enneagram a few years ago, Type 5 – the Detached Observer (“Researcher” according to that particular resource) appeared just about right.

This seemed obvious for the Ph.D in me. But yet, it didn’t. I’ve always known that my intellectual side was a limiting compensation and has never been the real me. The official story from me and those I inherited it from (like college professors) was that I was “the intellectual.”

I bought that story, but in truth was never happy with it. In high school and early college, I was an art major and had been offered a free ride to an art school. I was that good. I loved art, especially drawing, from as early an age as 4 or 5.

My earliest memories are being a quiet kid who just loved to draw. But then, in college every professor started telling me, “Anything less than a Ph.D is a serious waste of talent.” So I dropped the art major and went into the humanities, riding that adopted story all the way to a Ph.D. Yet even in the Ph.D program, I switched from historical studies to literary studies because I could talk about the art of the text.

Being a “unique” intellectual was always my calling card.

I was bored if it didn’t have an artistic slant. I knew then and there it was my old art major telling me he wouldn’t be happy unless he had a place in my evolving intellectual life. I was ready to drop the Ph.D until I could find a way to do something intellectual and at least a bit artsy.

Flash forward to present time. Lately, I’ve been doing speaker training and my coach put me through some brain tests. I always assumed I was left brain dominant.

But I was wrong – I’m right brain dominant and left-handed! (The same as Einstein, believe it or not.) It then all began to make sense!

My coach put it out there, “You are right brain dominant Stephan – make no mistake. Your left brain seeming dominance was probably some sort of survival adaptation.” Then more lights went on. She was right. It all was.

It was at that point that Kara (a friend who is familiar with the Enneagram) and I had a talk.

We agreed; I’m a 4 and my 5 is a “wing,” but a very strong wing that dominated the landscape for years because I had to escape my feelings and run to my mind to manage a Borderline mother. She could crush a 4 and his feelings, but never a 5 and his mind. It was definitely a survival strategy.

When I realized that, and I subsequently read your book, it all made sense. The cosmic tumblers began to click and I saw the gestalt of my life and the map of my deep inner experience with life.

I can see that I was born a Type 4 and yet, that 5 wing is a very strong survival adaptation that has often eclipsed my inner 4 essence (official stories can do that, unfortunately). I even know the event at age 5 that precipitated this whole shift – a very deep imprint.

While reading your book, I also uncovered my 3 wing. And I definitely run to the 2 people pleaser when under stress and when I’m in my native mode. I take the highway to Type 1 who runs seamlessly on ‘perfection’. I LOVE that mode.

It all began to make sense, like a puzzle falling into place.

So, as I read your book, I could not help but see how BOTH nature and childhood experience created how my Type evolved. And, of course, working with my clients tells me that imprints certainly can adjust the course of such things as a Type.

I am reclaiming that Type 4 in me these days, and I am using my 5 wing more as a tool, and less as a statement of who I am.

I am so much happier and your book helped clarify the growth process of rediscovering the ‘road map of me’ these past 6 years.

It put some things together for me in a most providential manner. Let’s just say, it was no mistake that the Universe lead me to your book at this time through my friend Kara. And for that, Wendy, I’m profoundly grateful.

I just wanted your answer since from my experience, it takes both nature and nurture/imprints to explain my experience with the Types.

I was never sold before on this stuff. I am now.

The Essential Role of Curiosity

On your leadership and life journey, an essential travel companion is your curiosity.

When you invite curiosity to join you on your journey, your defenses drop, your inner critic subsides, your “I know” or “I should know” is no longer such a dominant voice. Your openness and availability to others and yourself grows and deepens. As it does, you feel drawn further and further along to what is around the next bend.

Questions you can ask yourself and others to invite curiosity are:

I wonder … “Why do I believe that?”  ”Is it true?”  “Why did I do that?”  “When did I stop doing that?”  “How do other people experience me?”  “What if I/we could … ?” “What do you think of that?”  “Tell me more … ” “What is behind the question (being asked of me)?”  “When did you notice?”  “What can I/we learn from … ?” “How might I/we …?”  “Is it possible that/to …?”

These are some of the undefended questions that curiosity asks.

Curiosity doesn’t judge, criticize, critique, or have answers. Curiosity is living the questions until the insights appear. Curiosity notices, is awake and aware. Curiosity takes an interest in what and who is around it and asks, “What can I learn from you?” Curiosity moves toward, not away from.

Curiosity is a bridge to the unknown.

 

Curiosity asks a question for clarification before reacting or responding—and we usually find out that we are reacting to something that we project onto the other person rather than what is really there.

Curiosity invites connection, ideas, innovation, intuition.

 

If you are a leader, curiosity is one of your most trusted allies. It will take you far.

Curiosity is interested in subtlety. It is the doorway to being present and available to yourself and for others. It will guide you to your insights, your deepest longings, and back to your true self.

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This is an excerpt from my book: InsideOut Enneagram: The Game-Changing Guide for Leaders and includes specific practices to bring more your curiosity your inner and outer conversations.

Case Study: 2 Key Leverage Points for Change

I’d like to share a success story. It’s a case study of a leader and team that soared, how they did it and the specific results they achieved.

I had the privilege of coaching and consulting to a health care department (made up of four teams) for two years. Personally, I had very high satisfaction because I was able to work with the team step-by-step and witness their evolution and the gains they sustained over an extended period of time.

The situation: As luck would have it, the department chief, Dr. Chan and the department manager, Janice were both newly appointed and highly motivated. Dr. Chan was open to learn, willing, and dedicated. He was not a charismatic leader but he was respected for his technical skills. He was known as responsible and reliable and therefore had earned some trust going into his new role. By dedicating resources to the team’s development and education, he demonstrated his commitment to the team.

The department’s physical work environment was antiquated and cramped. Although they had been promised a new clinic for several years, there was no new construction on the horizon.

Metrics: The department was measured quarterly in five key areas against 18 other like-departments within the organization.

• Employee Satisfaction
• Service / Customer satisfaction
• Quality
• Access to care
• Budget

They occupied the bottom 1-3 positions Service / Customer Service metric for a few years running. Additionally, they broke records for workers comp claims and sick days. There was team divisiveness. And as you might imagine low employee satisfaction.

Recruiting for new hires was tough because of its reputation as a dysfunctional place to work and the cramped and inadequate working conditions. There was high turnover, they were continually short-staffed, all of this adding to their stress and job dissatisfaction.

So let me get to the punch line now. As a result of effective leadership, this department pulled together, soared to the number one position and stayed there for several consecutive quarters. Last I checked, they were still the top performers after two years.

• They became Service Stars
• Employee satisfaction improved significantly
• Quality Maintained
• Access Targets Met and Maintained

And there was a positive “ripple effect” on areas that weren’t targeted for improvement:

• Efficiency Increased
• Lowered cost of care
• New workers’ Comp claims reduced
• Absenteeism reduced significantly

If you want to know how we did it, read on …

What were the conditions for success?

• Dept. leadership agreed that change was needed
• Dept. leadership agreed to commit to team development for the duration
• Dept. leadership secured sponsorship of Medical Center administration
• Dept. leadership and medical center administration alignment
• Secured OD consultant and coach resource for ongoing leader and team development

What did we do?

I did a department-wide assessment, wrote up my findings and proposed a plan of action. Together with the department chief and manager we formed a plan to engage and involve the entire department in developing a vision, goals and strategy. Dr. Chan and Janice agreed to commit to three department offsite meetings per year, monthly team meetings and weekly department leadership meetings. We added a two more members to the leadership team: the chief of service and physician communication, and the labor partner.

Based upon the assessment, the focus for team development was to:

• build trust by:
  • getting to know themselves and each other better
  • using diversity as strengths
  • learning to communication effectively
  • learning to collaborate
  • engaging in healthy and productive conflict
• learn how to make decisions together

• hold each other accountable
• learn how to run effective meetings
• have fun together

Together, they built a department culture to engender

• Open communication
• High involvement and engagement
• Collaborative problem solving
• Consensus building
• Labor / Management collaboration
• Celebration of  success
• Reward and recognition

The leadership behaviors that contributed to the overall success of this department are not necessarily the ones you hear about. Dr. Chan was fairly quiet and unassuming, he was humble and he was open and willing to learn. Janice was a bit of a maverick, optimistic, creative and extroverted. They aligned and stayed in sync so that nobody could work one against the other. They both demonstrated caring and warmth. Despite his discomfort, Dr. Chan learned to confront the disruptors.

By dedicating resources to team development and agreeing to implement decisions generated by the department, they both demonstrated a commitment to change.

With skin in the game, they built trust with staff and administration. As administration witnessed the results of their focus on team development, they continued to resource it. This department was recognized for their successes within the medical center and across the region.

We didn’t do anything fancy, there was no charismatic leader, and Steve Jobs was not needed for this assignment. They used leadership basics, and that goes a long, long way.

KEY TAKEAWAYS
Engage and involve your people,  give them an opportunity to influence business operations and make a difference. Surface the wisdom of your team collectively and individually.
Take care of your people and they’ll care for each other and the customers.
Be trustworthy.
Build team trust–that is the foundation for everything else. That singular focus had a positive and lasting impact on all the metrics.

Your two greatest assets: The way you lead and your team. These are your key leverage points to shift the system and change everything.

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Does this sound familiar? Love to hear your comments!

Grow Leader-full Teams

I was gratified to hear the president of the American Management Association say, “We expect leader-like behavior from many many more people in today’s organizations.”And It turns out that the American military has begun to train leaders to lead by intent rather than lead by being prescriptive.

The implication is that leadership is not a position, it is a way of being and it requires that we develop a more intimate relationship with ourselves and a better understanding of each other.

In psychological theory, Carl Jung called this process of getting to know ourselves; of bringing our unconscious material to light, the process of individuation. It is the journey of human evolution.

Individuation means that we embrace all that we are, (individually and collectively) and become brave enough to take off our defensive armor and go exploring like the hero of myth and story.

Individuation builds our capacity to see ourselves and each other for all our attributes, complexities and creative gifts as well as our messier, perhaps less preferred character traits.

This process of individuation also applies to the development of teams–to create leader-full teams. More on that shortly.

The most well known team development model is: forming / storming / norming / performing

Many teams get stuck and never move beyond the forming / storming phase. Why? A key contributor is that most of us walk around with an unconscious assumption that people see what we see, perceive what we perceive, hear what we hear, and think like we think. If they don’t, they damn well should.

We have to get beyond this to tap into the team’s creativity and unlock the doors to innovation.

Collage by David Templeton

The most effective way I have found to address the “be like me” syndrome is to use the Enneagram system with teams.

When people discover their Type and learn each other’s Types, it opens the windows of perception. People begin to see the value of differences.

I love seeing flashes of insight when team members “get” that people are different from them and perceive the world differently. In these precious moments, we learn to listen differently, “see” through a wide angle lens, and begin to appreciate differing world views and individual attributes.

In these moments we begin to understand one another and to better understand ourselves.

Then the real work begins.  The team needs to develop its muscle to integrate the differences and leverage them for performance. Differences can tear us apart if we judge them or we can harness their strengths.

Individuation (the process of differentiation and integration) needs to take place at both the individual and team level.

Our self-awareness and self-management can strengthen group effectiveness.

The brain is an open loop system; in other words, it is not just an organ that resides in our heads. We activate each other’s triggers and moods catch like the flu.

Think of a time you entered a group and were feeling positive and upbeat. After awhile, you noticed that people were complaining and their energy was lack luster and disengaged. How long did it take before you started feeling the same?

Less aware individuals contribute to an unhealthy team environment. An unhealthy team environment can take down some of the healthiest individual players–or they leave.

Individual development aids team development and vice-versa. They feed each other.

The beauty of working with the Enneagram for team development is that it brings to light key underlying drivers for our habitual patterns of interacting, thinking, feeling and acting. It uncovers team strengths to be harnessed and liabilities to be managed. We get to know ourselves and each other in ways we never imagined.

If you can’t see it and acknowledge it,
you can’t manage it

Once we surface some of our patterns, we can begin to unravel them and develop new ways of interacting and acting. We can take concrete steps to develop new ways of being–individually and as a team.

Now we’ve entered Norming / Performing–until the new team members join, and then we start again … Teams are a bit amoeba-like, constantly forming and reforming; reintegrating and differentiating. And so are we, if we are committed to learn, grow and evolve.

Leader-full teams are teams made up of people who take responsibility for their work, their words and their actions. They are committed to grow and evolve. The person in authority (read, Boss), needs to create an environment where people can learn and grow and make a difference that matters; where each person can contribute their unique gifts and talents.

I just heard Robert Tobias, American University speak about leadership development. He said:

There is a necessity for leaders to develop their inner life—to challenge themselves to become who they are and be relationally transparent—that is, to become authentic and to care.

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I’d love to hear how you help grow leader-full teams. Please weigh in and join the conversation!

The Memory Myth

I’m pleased to share a guest post from Janet Crawford today. Janet and I will be co-hosting a workshop October 17th. I hope after reading this post you’ll understand why I’m so excited to hear more from her.

It happened again just last week. My brother and I were out to dinner with friends from college when I decided to tell a family story. Mid sentence, he interjected with a correction, “No, no….that’s not exactly right….what really happened was….”

I politely conceded that it was possible that I’d gotten it wrong and continued the story, but barely a few lines later, he grinned and rolled his eyes for comic effect, “Here, let me tell it…”

I wondered, “Were we describing the same event?  Was my memory really that bad? Was his?  Oh dear! Had I inherited my mother’s charming, but often exasperating tendency to rewrite history so as to be able to tell a more entertaining story?”

About 15 years ago, I became fascinated with studying the brain and how, from a biological standpoint, we make sense of reality.  That study has helped me better understand these episodes.

It should come as no surprise to anyone with siblings, that disagreement over the content of shared family experiences isn’t unique to my brother and me.  Likewise, in my role as an executive coach, I can tell you there are often as many interpretations of a tense meeting as there are people in the room.  But why is this a universal phenomenon and what does it have to do with the Enneagram

The Memory Myth

For a very long time, our understanding of memory resembled a kind of internal video/audio recording system.  Perhaps part of the tape would get lost or erased, but our “equipment’ recorded a shared sensory “reality” and the tapes remained static over time.

Neuroscientists will now tell you definitively that it doesn’t work that way.  Even during the original experience, we are all encoding different information based on sets of deeply held patterns through which we filter reality.

Over time, those original memories constantly shift based on new information that impacts how we view what happened way back then. Immediately after an event, reports from two individuals won’t be the same.

Our internal filters have us notice different things and interpret them through different stories.  After twenty or forty years of constant re-filtering, the memories often have very little in common.

What are these deeply held patterns and where do they come from? 

Infants enter into the world hungry for sensory experience. While they delight in their explorations, they are not equipped to make sense of them. They have no roadmaps for how to respond emotionally or intellectually to all that surrounds them.

For that, they rely on copying their caregivers’ physiological response to conditions in the environment. Our crude biological logic informs us that our best bet would be to behave as our parents do.  After all, they survived long enough to produce us!

If they tense up under certain conditions, so do we.  If they remain relaxed, our infant bodies do the same.  From those physiological expressions, we know to feel fear, anxiety, excitement, openness, guardedness, etc. Little by little, we form a set of fundamental emotional perspectives on the world that will likely endure throughout our lives.

Almost all of these basic emotional filters are acquired before the age of 18 months, a critical point in brain development marking the beginning of explicit autobiographical memory.

Because our emotional patterns were formed in response to events that preceded our ability to remember them, we don’t “see” our patterns.  Our emotional interpretations and responses just seem like “the way it is.”  They are transparent.

It appears that the deepest emotional filters seem to boil down to a handful of patterns, things like our sensitivity to vulnerability, deprivation, abandonment and exclusion.

The Enneagram, I believe, may be a very elegant system based on centuries of observational data, for naming and working with those fundamental patterns.  As central to our identity as our emotional programming is, it is possible to rise above it and choose when, how and if to be under its sway.

The world is populated with people who carry differing perspectives, stories and filters on reality.  The lesson learned from interactions like the one with my brother is something I carry into all parts of my life.

When someone vehemently disagrees with me or misunderstandings crop up, I’m less quick to judge and more likely to ask, “How might my lens be creating a distorted (or partial) view?”

My brother and I were both there, we both have a memory and we both have at best only part of the “truth.”  Fortunately, we get that and over the years we’ve gained an appreciation for the unique perspective we each bring to the here and now.  All of us have important relationships where perspectives differ. Whose lens could you understand better and what tools and practices do you need to get there?

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Janet Crawford

“Applying neuroscience to leadership matters. Science is revolutionizing our understanding of what it is to be human. An explosion of advances in human neuroscience is giving us a window into why people behave as they do and how we can manage our environments and behaviors with others to maximize results. These new scientific findings challenge old assumptions of what it means to lead.” – Janet Crawford

Janet Crawford, expert in the application of neuroscience research to coaching and leadership, will explain what’s happening at a biological level when you play out Enneagram habits in our upcoming Insight to Action tele-workshop on October 17. She’ll facilitate practical explorations of ways to recognize our patterns and relax their grip. For more on this workshop, click here.

2 Leadership Essentials to Motivate and Bring Out the Best

Heart Rock

On a recent hike with friends I mentioned, “Usually I see ‘heart rocks’ when I am walking, but I haven’t been paying attention today.” No sooner had those words left my mouth, when we all noticed a heart-shaped rock on the trail ahead.

Today I set my attention on finding heart rocks. I saw at least 10.

What we pay attention to, we amplify. Our focus shifts and we begin to see what was there all along, while our attention was elsewhere.

Have you ever had the experience of something (a word, a concept, a brand …) brought to your attention, and immediately you notice it everywhere? Did you wonder whether it was synchronicity? Perhaps something you were unaware of before is now in your field of vision?

There are Two Essential Ways of Being for leaders that motivate their followers, help bring out their best and help them see beyond what they think is possible:

1. Pay attention to your seeing. What you focus on, you amplify.
   

   Heart Cloud

• Where is your focus of attention? Is it on problems, what’s wrong, what’s not working … do you easily find fault with others?
• If we focus on problems, what’s not working or someone’s annoying character traits–that is what we see and we often see it to the exclusion of other things. We see more problems, more of the character traits we expect, more …
• Problems start to grow

A Story

Several years ago, I lead a meeting to improve the interactions, information and patient flow and overall processes between in-patient and out-patient OBGyn and Maternity.

The group began to identify all of the ways the processes didn’t work, all of the problems, patient complaints, MD complaints, and on … until someone finally said, “What are we doing?” Great question.

The group vitality and energy had been sucked right out of the room. We created a list of problems and issues vast enough to overwhelm the best of us.

In a moment of inspiration, I restarted the conversation by asking, “If you could create your ideal department with smooth transitions, rewarding interactions, satisfied members, patients and physicians and you were highly motivated and happy at work, what would would be going on? What would you see, do, hear; what would be in place in terms of process and flow?”

The group energy soared! The wall was full of sticky notes. Ideas and associated actions to further develop the ideas, had been generated. When the meeting ended, we were poised to join the physicians the next day and build on the work we did together. As we began to leave the room, someone turned to me and said, “What did you just do?”

2. People live up (or down) to your expectations of them.

• This goes for how leaders act toward and view others as well as how others act toward and view people in positions of authority. Remember the Pygmalion Effect?

creator unknown

In their study, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson (1968) set out to demonstrate that our reality can be influenced by other’s expectations and set up self-fulfilling prophecies. Their research demonstrated that if teachers expected a higher performance from some children rather than others, those children did, in fact rise to their expectations. Rosenthal identified four ways teachers behaved differently towards the students for whom they had more favorable expectations:

• They created a warmer climate. They are nicer in the things they say and also in the non-verbal channels of communication
• Input. They teach more material to students for whom they have more favorable expectations
• Response / Opportunity. They call on these students more often and let them talk longer. The teachers help and shape the responses with them and help the student articulate the response.
• Feedback. If more is expected of a student, the student is praised more for giving a “good answer.” These students receive more positive feedback. Interestingly, the teacher will accept a lower quality response from these students.

Now let’s connect these two human tendencies and see how we can shift our focus and actions:

• Pay attention to your seeing. What you focus on, you amplify.
• People live up (or down) to your expectations of them.

Suggestion: Seek out the best in others and give feedback accordingly.  Dr Lois P. Frankel, author of See Jane Lead, wrote about the 7:1 rule:

Give people seven pieces of positive feedback for every developmental criticism.

Most of us avoid giving developmental criticism and when we finally do, it is unplanned and ends up coming out as sharp, blunt or abrupt. OR we give feedback without specific suggestions or an offer of assistance to develop the desired behavior. OR we behave in ways that let people know we disapprove or are dissatisfied, and then leave them guessing.

From personal experience, it feels so delicious and rewarding when I offer positive, authentic feedback. I found this to be largely true for both for the giver and the recipient. You are in essence, filling up their tank with jet fuel when the recipient feels seen and valued.

Experiment: Look for the inherent gifts, the positive in someone who pushes your buttons, someone you don’t like, someone who you believe is a low performer. Then give authentic, positive feedback to that person. Notice how you feel and how that person responds. See what happens over time.

Do you treat certain people differentially in meetings? What can you do to shift that? See what happens when you do?

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Hearts Everywhere

So what is in your line of sight? What are you paying attention to? Shift your focus and see what happens.  On your next outing, look for hearts in nature. You don’t have to search, just pay attention. You’ll see …

Seven Leadership Pearls

Opportunity Beckons

Last night I went to a dinner party and a friend commented, “you look 10 years younger!” Gee, why did I wait so long to take a vacation. Frankly, it was a bit disturbing to think about what I must have looked like before I left!

For those of you who read my last post about the importance of unplugging to recharge, you’ll be happy to know that I unplugged. Mostly.  As a business owner, the prospect of doing this was daunting. But I did. Here’s what happened and here’s what I learned. Take note, for those of you haven’t yet risked it.

We prepared. My social media team was in place and ready to post and promote my pre-written blogs, to send out my pre-written newsletter and to continue to send out my pre-written tweets. We changed my Facebook page photo to show that I was unplugged. Clients and colleagues were notified, and I initiated a gone fishin’ email notification auto-responder for folks that sent me emails. I was ready!

How did it go?

Joy

• WiFi access was often non-existent and spotty at best, so that really helped
• With each passing day, the pull of the internet slowly subsided from a continual drum beat to a soft murmur vying for my attention
• I did use my iPhone to check emails for anything urgent and only sent out one email response for something that was time sensitive
• My traveling companion, one of the least plugged-in people I know, requested at the last minute that I bring my computer along. She was in charge of booking our lodging and wanted to book the B&B’s while en route. Ugh, another temptation.
• My traveling companion wanted to get access to email frequently throughout our trip and look for internet hotspots. It took extra discipline not to succumb.
• I found myself concerned about how my Twitter connections would respond to my lack of interaction.
• I loved being unplugged and wish I could have, with confidence, let the email go too.

• My Twitter followers were still there and still retweeting and sending me direct messages, despite my absence and lack of response
• I was able to be fully present in my experience and delight in my travels
• I had much needed time for reflection and was able to make space for inner focus
• I really did return recharged
• I have still not caught up with all of my email and work that piled up while I was gone, but am chipping away daily.

Find Your Still Point

With time to reflect on and integrate all that had transpired over the last several months–I walked away with some pearls — areas for my growth and development as a leader and that are good reminders for all of us.

My seven leadership pearls of wisdom 

• Find that still point inside even though there are waves crashing around you
• Maintain your own rhythm when others travel to the beat of a different drum
• Remember that everything and everyone is a mirror to reflect aspects of yourself to you
• Prepare, then trust your team and let go
• Make sure to take your time off–and enough time to renew and replenish!
• Be present to your experiences and the world around you
• Let joy be your wellspring of energy and connection

My self-work continues … practice:

Maintain contact with that still point inside no matter what is happening around me

Keep playing my own rhythm while others play theirs’

Have you unplugged? How did it go and what did you learn? Please join the conversation — so many of us struggle with this and we can all benefit from each other’s experiences.

Leaders: Unplug to Recharge

To unplug or not to unplug?

That is the big question.

I’ve always been pretty darn good at taking vacations and setting boundaries around them. In the early days of the Blackberry, I didn’t own one so it was easy to disconnect from work–especially since I like to travel to more remote locations. I also stayed away from computers while on holiday, figuring my email could wait until I got home and my friends would still be there.

Isn’t the idea of a holiday to get away, relax, recharge, experience something new, and shift perspectives?

If we are on email, our attention is back at home. Why bother leaving? You may think me selfish, but I don’t even send postcards. I want my full attention on my holiday, on my traveling companion and on wherever I am.

Unlike most folks in the US, I was known to take 3 to 4 weeks of holiday at at time. My work colleagues seriously asked, “Aren’t you afraid they’re going to realize they don’t need you if you’re gone that long?”

Others admired me.

For me, the value derived from getting away was greater than the any potential downside.  I played, explored, rested, relaxed and enjoyed. I returned to work recharged with renewed vigor, filled with new perspectives, and was a more easy going, better version of me.

As an entrepreneur for the last 5.5 years, I have been presented with a whole new set of challenges. New technologies have emerged to dare even the best holiday-takers to unplug.

Sunday, I leave for a trip and I am determined to stay away from email and social media.

Can I do it? Twitter, FaceBook, Linked, G+, Pinterest have become indispensable tools to grow and sustain my business and visibility. What happens if I am not Retweeting, Tweeting and posting on Facebook for several days? Although I have my team to do some social media posting for me, I won’t be there to interact.

The amount of preparation involved in order to be able to leave and disconnect, has multiplied. Blogs have to be lined up to be posted and newsletters pre-written to go out while I am away. And on.

Can any of you relate to this?

Yet, I remain undaunted and determined to prove to myself that I can unplug. The world will go on and my business will continue to grow and flourish.

The temptations are great with WiFi available in hotels. But as leaders of organizations, as colleagues, as spouses, parents, partners, we owe it to one another to unplug and recharge. It’s a bit of an energy oxymoron, no?

We demonstrate respect by giving our full attention to our traveling companions, to our experience and to the world around us. The person who returns will be a rested and relaxed; a person who has had space to breath, space to reflect on and make meaning of everything that has been going on the last many months. The person who returns will see work and life in a new light.

Holidays offer up creative time … with new impressions, new perspectives, new experiences. We have the opportunity to think differently or come at a situation or problem from a different perspective. This is precious time that will serve you, your organization and those close to you.

With that, I bid you adieu.

Wish me luck on my commitment to stay unplugged and I’ll be back in the Saddle on September 12. I look forward to sharing my new insights and to learning about your experiences unplugged!

Please comment–for the sake of all of us.

Conscious Leaders Use Wisdom Words

It was the late 80′s and the economic situation looked bleak. Several hundred of us sat in an auditorium poised to hear our CEO give a speech, nervously awaiting his plan to lead us through the recession.

The one thing I remember from that day was “rightsize.” It was the first time I had heard the word and my bullshit meter went off. In this case, it was a euphemism for layoffs. It was Spin.

Our World: David Templeton

What was the effect? I felt, as did many others, insulted. He was disingenuous and he eroded whatever trust or confidence he had previously engendered. We couldn’t count on him to be straight with us.

Imagine, all I remember from his talk was that one word.

For leaders who are thinking about how they want to be remembered, this is a good yardstick.

Roll the tape forward several years. Now I’m working in Europe and I hear the phrase from my British colleagues “1200 people are being made redundant.” Again, I ask you, “what kind of BS is this?” How can a person be redundant? How dare we refer to people as objects as if we are just changing out the parts in a car engine?

Another phrase that is troublesome is collateral damage. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say, “scores of unintended people were killed and injured as part of an attack”? Collateral damage makes it sound as if no humans were involved. This is yet another example of spin. If your loved one was referred to as “collateral damage,” how would you feel?

People are not objects. We are living, breathing, feeling-full, meaning-maker human beings. This spin lets leaders off the hook. If people are thought of as objects then those in decision-making power don’t have to feel. They don’t have to experience compassion or empathy either. It’s like dropping a bomb out of a plane at 40,000 feet. You see neither the countless people you’ve killed and maimed, nor their grieving families.

Words have a profound effect. Even though we know what rightsize really means, it sounds nice. Rightsize sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it?

When leaders get away with spin, just one little time, then there’s the next and the next. We start convincing ourselves it’s okay. We tell ourselves we’re being kind, we’re helping grow the business, we’re meeting shareholder and board expectations, we’re making money for people…

When leaders use words to soften, mislead, obfuscate they can do harm to countless others and ultimately to themselves.

This is not just semantics. There is enormous power in words and in naming. Words, repeated over time have stickiness (evil doers, axis of evil, tax and spend liberals, trickle down theory, the 1%, etc.). They become the truth.

Words direct the course of action.

Words create a perception of reality. This naming creates a separation between us and them. We’re good and they’re bad. It allows us to treat the other as an object. We are much more able to harm an object than to harm a living, breathing, feeling person.

We say to children, “use your words.” I say to leaders, “use wisdom words.”

Words can be kind.

Words can be cruel.

Words can harm.

Words can heal.

Words can be used to treat people with dignity and respect.

Words can inspire people to action.

Words, put together, tell a story.

Conscious leaders are leaders who use wise words not clever words. Conscious leaders are leaders who care, leaders who speak the truth, leaders who speak truth to power. This is leadership authenticity in action. Mark my words!

What are your wisdom words?
What are the words you’ll use to make a positive difference; to inspire people to action?
What are the words you want to be remembered by?

Myth Busting: Type 2 The People Pleaser

The Gift, 2002. David Templeton

When people describe or think of Enneagram Type 2 The People Pleaser, you often hear about a selfless person, Mother Teresa, self-sacrifice for the benefit of others … The moon to the sun … Someone who may not take care of his or her appearance while preoccupied with taking care of and pleasing others … Someone who is worn down and worn out … A doormat.

The stereotype: The nurse, the social work, the volunteer at the homeless shelter, the doctor, the nurturer …

Let’s bust this myth. Type 2s can be hedonistic–pleasure seekers–something oft attributed to Type 7 The Enthusiast or Type 8 The Boss.

For Type 2, physical attractiveness is important. Type 2s are the great seducers of the Enneagram and appearance is an important part of that. Type 2s are Image Types (along with Types 3 The Achiever and 4 The Individualist).

This means they are attentive to the image they project to others by what they say, how they look and what they do. They care about what others think often more than the other Types, and are more likely to take things personally.

Type 2s and Type 3s: Type 2s can be well groomed, well coiffed and dressed to suit the situation. Type 3s are often described as the chameleons of the Enneagram, however Type 2s can share this same ability by becoming what others need them to be. They tend to be quite empathic and are able shapeshift to endear themselves to important others.  Type 3s are also considered “sparkly” yet many Type 2s also fit that description. Like Type 3s, they can be social climbers–they just go about it differently and for different reasons.

Type 2s are not always behind the scenes–the power behind the throne or the moon to the sun. While this can be true, what is also true is that many Type 2s are ambitious.

Type 2s I know lead organizations, start their own for-profit and non-profit organizations, are VPs of Human Resources, sales directors, run customer service departments, manage medical staff, own and operate social media organizations and yoga studios … they perform, sing, act, paint.

Type 2s are happy to go after their dreams and make them a reality.

Type 7 The Enthusiast and Type 3 The Achiever are often described as charming and to some extent, so is Type 8 The Boss. However, Type 2s are also known to be quite charming in order to achieve their ends. They can be competitive, organized, and perfectionistic.

They take strong stands, are willful, make demands and fully assert themselves.

In other words, people don’t just walk all over them. They are not doormats. But they can be.

At this point, you may be wondering, “What’s the difference then, between Type 2 and Type 3 or some of the other Types if they share common behaviors?”

Great question!

IMPORTANT: What distinguishes one Type from another is not so much the behaviors we see, but why the different Types do what they do. In other words, what are their underlying motivations–what needs are they trying to get met and what are they trying to avoid?

Type 2s’ strategy is to please others in order to garner appreciation and make themselves indispensable. Much of their self-worth is based upon feeling valued, needed, and appreciated by others. On a deeper level, Type 2s’ self-perception is that they are unloveable. When they feel appreciated, desired, indispensable and valued, they temporarily feel lovable.

None of the Enneagram Type strategies work over time, but they give us the sense that our needs are being met, much like eating provides a temporary sensation that we are full and satisfied.

For this reason, Type 2 wants to avoid loss of connection–loss of love and their source of appreciation–and will go to great lengths to maintain those connections, often at risk of harm to themselves, and to others. This is when some of the more stereotypical behavior can show up.

Another reason Type 2 can share common behaviors with Type 3 The Achiever and Type 1 The Perfectionist is that these Types are the Wings of Type 2. The theory I find most useful and the one that maps to my observations, is that Type is a blend of the two Wings. From my book, InsideOut Enneagram: The Game-Changing Guide for Leaders:

Wings: The points on both sides of your Type are called your Wings, and they influence the ways you express the characteristics of your Type. Some people relate more to one Wing than another. Others feel that they share qualities with both Wings. You’ll hear people say, “I’m a 2 with a 3 wing.” In other words, Type 2 blends Type 1 and Type 3, and displays characteristics of all three Types. When we don’t relate to one of our Wings, it is probably because it lives outside of our conscious awareness.

Points of connection: Look at the Enneagram symbol and you’ll see that Type 2 is connected to Types 8 and 4. Under certain circumstances, Type 2 has access to many of the characteristic behaviors of these two Types.

At their best, Type 2s are warm, reliable, able to receive help graciously … They give without expectation, build powerful and durable alliances, are brilliant at making connections and building relationships and know who they are, what they stand for and that they are lovable for who they are and not what they do.

I hope this post offers a more well-rounded picture of Type 2 than the one you may have had. Remember, there is a Type 2 People Pleaser in all of us!

Please comment and let us know your own experience with Type 2s or from the perspective of Type 2. We would all benefit from  your stories.

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Postscript: A couple of years ago, in a conversation with Bea Chestnut, PhD Psychologist, Coach, Enneagram teacher and Type 2 … she noted that most people don’t get the hedonistic side of Type 2. I thought, “she’s right!” We over-focus on other aspects. It is in the spirit of illustrating a much broader picture of Type 2, that I wrote this blog.  Thank you, Bea!

Check out these links for more information:

What is the Enneagram?

Enneagram Type Descriptions

Enneagram Case Studies

InsideOut Enneagram: The Game-Changing Guide for Leaders

Enneagram Typing Cards

Blog Posts:

• Q & A About the Enneagram
• The Three Instincts
• It’s The Journey, Not the Destination
• Misunderstood: Type 4 The Individualist
• A Story of Team Dynamics
• Case Study: Type 8 & 9 (Boss and direct report)
• Use of Typing Cards for Your Relationship
• Coaching Type 2 The People Pleaser
• Enneagram Typing Using a Narrative Approach

What Would Alex Do?

FRIDA KAHLO: A collage by David Templeton

Alex was a successful executive at an international bank in San Francisco, when disaster struck. In a singular and unpredictable moment, his life changed forever.  A massive fire tore through his hillside community near San Francisco and engulfed and destroyed a multitude of homes. Alex’s was one of them.

At that time I was working in San Francisco’s financial district. On the day of the fire I bumped into Alex who happened to be my client at the time.

We were in the elevator in his office building and he was heading up to his office. I knew he lived in the area of the fire and so I asked whether his home was one of those affected. He looked at me with calm and nodded in the affirmative. “My home was completely destroyed. There’s nothing left.”  I imagined how he must have been feeling and wondered what I would do if my feet were in his shoes.

Tight in the chest with worry, I looked him in the eyes asked “what are you going to do now?” Without missing a beat he replied, “I’m going to buy a toothbrush.”

That wasn’t the answer I expected.

Then I thought to myself, “I guess so.” What would I do?

Back to the necessities, back to the basics.

What would you do if you lost all of your worldly possessions and your home?

Alex and I reconnected not long after and as it turned out he used this fire as an alchemical fire for his life. It burned away everything, including his sense of self-identity.

He took this as an opportunity to reconsider how he wanted to live his life moving forward. Rather than immediately rebuild and reconstruct in order to keep going “as is,” Alex stopped in his tracks. He took time to reflect and reconsider.

This “disaster” gave him a chance to start anew. Scary, yes, but he saw opportunity in the disaster. Like the Phoenix, he rose from the ashes.

At a much later time in my life, I found myself in a similar position under very different circumstances. How Alex handled his tragedy informed and inspired my approach and resolve to move forward.

Within short order, Alex left his executive position at the bank and started his own business venture renovating homes. No small change. He had a new lease on life and was elated about his new career. This was an idea Alex toyed with over the years, but didn’t have the will, the faith or the courage to make this change earlier.

In Section V of Little Gidding from the Four Quartets, TS Eliot offers:

What we call the beginning is often the end.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.

Life is filled with continual endings and beginnings. Everything is impermanent. Circumstances can change in a blink and suddenly the life we thought we had is no more. When we hold on with a tight grip to what has been, we are doomed to suffer.

How gracefully can we let go of our attachments; to the way things are, to our things and to our self-identity? With each letting go there is an opening for something new to come in.

If you accept that change is inevitable, wouldn’t you rather seek out those changes and create your life rather than waiting for the unexpected to force a change?

Be intentional and deliberate about what you want to do, how you want to be, what you want to create. Reflect on what gives juice and meaning to your work and life.

Where will you focus your time and energy?

This is your one precious life …

Just ask yourself, “what would Alex do?”

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One of the reasons I love working with the Enneagram is that it helps us see the role and identity we’ve trapped ourselves inside of … and we have the opportunity to create ourselves anew.